I really enjoy swimming. Before the lockdown I went to swim several times a week. 120 pools lengths, 25m. When Dao died I swam ten extra, 130, ten for him. I’ve been up to 150 but that made my back hurt too much. So I stick to 120. I started at 20 and worked my way up. Swimming is one of the things that saved me from madness. That and the sauna afterwards. It’s a tiny pool in a tiny town with a ridiculous sauna, but that’s where I met M. He always snuck into the dimly lit hot room with an aromatherapy spray in his hand and asked if it bothered anyone if he perfumed the air. I was sceptical at first and felt belligerent like a always do when I meet new people. But it smelled so good, of oranges and cloves and I started looking forward to his arrival. The scent made me feel like Justine because I thought about Alexandria and exotic fruit. With his tiny swim shorts, tall and dark. I thought he was a bit younger than me but it turned out he’s actually a lot younger. Like I wrote yesterday, age doesn’t matter. I used to drive to that tiny city three times a week to attend psychiatric daycare. That seems years away now. I hated it’s ruralness and the people who lived there. I assumed they where all uneducated and unemployed and just spent their time procreating. It’s a 20 minutes drive away, not far considering most people’s standards. But at the end of the world considering mine. I still got up and drove there early in the morning, to start swimming at around 9:30. Always fasted. Food is overrated, it only messes with your brain function, pumping blood to the stomach and intestins. I’m unable to swim once I’ve eaten. Or do any other kind of physical activity. One of my boyfriends pretended every woman felt horny after dinner or lunch but that’s just stupid. He had many assumptions. Stupid people usually do and I feel dumb often. Food makes me tired and full and heavy and fat. I only eat what I consider to be 100% healthy. Almost no carbs. Almost vegan. No sugar, no artifical sweeteners, mainly plant-based and the same every day. For my first meal that is. The only variation I allow myself is the type of fruit I add. Frozen rasberries, strawberries, blueberries, sometimes a yellow kiwi. Sometimes shredded coconut. Always peanut butter. Mostly organic. I can’t really afford all that fancy food but i don’t buy any meat or sweets or cake or booze or packaged food. Or anything containing dairy or gluten or animal products. Except for the occasional fish, but I feel really guilty about that. It’s the only animal I eat. There are a lot of the trouts in my river but I leave them alone.


When I drove back home after my swim I always blasted the music in the car and sang along. Music really makes me feel high and wild and happy and free. I don’t listen to music at the moment because I don’t drive anywhere but I listened to S’s music yesterday. Sitting by the river outside, just after installing a new ornithology app. I decided to finally add Soundcloud. I also added P. He makes music too and has for 25 years. He even owns his own label, named after his street, the street he’s been living in ever since 1992. And he’s friend with Stef KC, another old crush. I have never lived anywhere that long. It really struck me that S used a Miles Davis sample, because that’s another synchronicity. I learned about synchronicities at almost 30, J told me about them and I was happy I had finally found a concept that explained my life. We talked for hours and as usual, I fell in love. But I thought he was ugly. Another part of me thought he was really handsome, it was confusing. I fall in love with looks but also with minds or dead people or unknown people I dream about. They can stay with me for weeks. I still remember imaginary boys I dreamed about 20 years back, especially a Scandinavian blonde boy.

Currently I’m dreaming about my baron. I did so last night. I remember the touch of his skin. He’s gay, that’s a good thing. He’s not in my dreams. I think I dreamt about S once too, I actually hope I will, i’m sure I will enjoy it.

So many men to love, so little time.

You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams

Dr. Seuss